The Life of Hudini Guy, Book One
by hudini guy
Summary: Harry Potter from a stupid ghost's point of view.
1. Chapter One

The Life of Hudini (who cares if it's spelled wrong!) Guy  
Part One Hudini Guy is basically my only original character; everyone else is from  
the Harry Potter books. There are grammatical and spelling mistakes purposely to account for Hudini Guy's stupidity. This story might not be  
funny to you so don't hate me too much.  
  
Chapter One  
  
I was born in a chocolate factory on Some Day in Some Year. I have no  
idea whether I was actually born in a chocolate factory, but I have to  
fill up this empty space, or else my agent will kill me. I have no  
idea who my father or mother was. I'm a wizard, a very creative one.  
(Editor's Note: Hudini Guy used creative instead of horrible.) I had a  
3-inch wand made of acorn with some human hair in it. I made it  
myself, once I finished it, I attached it to my finger.  
One day, while I was walking along the road, I met four travelers. I forgot what their names were, but they were something like Goddy Grifondear, Hilda Hupplewuff, Rowan Ravincad, and Snakie Slyfox. We talked 4 a bit, and then they decided that I could be Snaky's advisor. A few years later, they formed a school called Something Like Woggyhorts. Pretty soon they began to have fights. Then, I told, by accident, Snakie that being evil was good for your health. One day, while Snakie and I were talking and no one else was around, Snakie used the killing curse on me.  
"It's good for my health", he said.  
Then everything went brown.  
A few days later, I found myself floating in the air. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy is soo stupid, he defies the laws of gravity) I soon fell asleep again. In my dream I saw my worst fear: my hat was gone!!! Then slowly I drifted to my happy place. There was chocolate everywhere. There were also people who appreciated my genius. And then he came- Hairy Potter, saying, "help me!"  
I woke up, turns out I was in a 300 or more-year nap. I found Snaky's heir now known as Lord Moldymort. He was after Hairy. I followed him. He went to the Potters house. I saw him kill Hairyz parents. Before he was about to kill Hairy, I put a mirror up to his face, which reflected the curse. After this I tripped and my nail cut Hairy's head. While the scar was still bleeding, Moldymort touched Hairy, which transferred some of his power.  
Then, I heard a motorcycle; Serious Black rode which I later learned. I ran away. (Editor's Note: Of course Hudini Guy didn't realize he couldn't be seen) 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
10 years later, I returned to Hairy to see how he was doing. Before I could enter the house, I saw a pig-like little (editor's note: erm, he meant BIG) boy whom I later learned was named Milk-Dud Dursey. I entered through the (what do you call it again?) wall. I saw Hairy. He looked miserable. I hoped he had a happy place. So, I left and decided to come back later.  
A few months later, I noticed a lot of owls coming to the Durseys house. I entered the building. There were tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of letters (not the ABCs). I tried grabbing one but I forgot I couldn't touch anything that wasn't invisible. And that's kinda hard because I can't see invisible things.  
I saw the Durseys leave. I folloed them. I already realized where they were going, the only place interesting. The chocolate factory. While I waited for them, I munched on some double fudge chocolate mint chocolates with chocolate milk with chocolates in it. (Editor's note: how does he eat chocolate if he's a ghost?!)  
After a few hours, I realized they must have gotten lost. So I used my natural mapping skills to try to find them. In the end, I ended up in the chocolate factory. What was I doing again? A few days later, I went back to the Durseys house. It turns out Hairy's going to that Woggyhort place. A big man named Hagriddle (Editors Note: emphasis on the BIG) told Hairy he was a wizard and was going to take him away. I followed them into Diagon Alliy. I wondered why they were going bowling. I later realized that this "Diagon Alliy" was a town in a town. Once I was in Diagon Alliy, I went straight to the candy store. Oh, the glory! Tons and tons of candy!! All the chocolate you could imagine!!! All under the same roof (exclamation point!)  
I thus continued my journey into the deepest darkest corners of the candy store. (Editors Note: To save a lot of time, we will skip the candy store part, including the part on the rampage within the storage and the candy's mysterious disapearence (editor's note: Hudini Guy is so stupid that even his editors cant spell wright.)) 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
  
Time flew. Next I was at a train station. I noticed Hairy had a white owl named Headwig. Hairy had met these people with hair that made their heads look like they were on fire. Their last name happened to be Weasels. They showed Hairy how to go through the wall like I always do. Inside I saw the train. In a few minutes the train left. I decided to follow.  
While following the train I encountered many obstacles. Firstly, I had a hard time keeping up with the train itself. Plus, my chocolate supply was running low; I only had 1/2 pound left! (Editor's Note: Hudini guy is soooo obsessed with chocolate, he usually carries around 10 pounds of it.) While following the train I passed many farms and different types of scenery, but while I looked everywhere, there wasn't any sign of a chocolate factory.  
All of a sudden I saw a chocolate frog fly out the train. I went off track and got it. After I ate the delicious chocolate I went back to following the Woggyhorts train.  
After many hours the train finally stopped at Woggyhort. All of the first years, including Hairy and his new friend Ron Weasel.  
All of the first years went in boats over a lake with a giant monster in it. The monster was a whatchamacallit (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy has a bunch of long words for things he doesn't know, so he'll be using them a lot.)  
I followed the boats across the big lake. Then the big guy went into Woggyhorts, but I didn't follow before having a little chat with the whatchamacallit. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy did not realize that the whatchamacallit (okay I give up typing whatch... every time so I'll just use giant squid.) wasn't there, nor did he realize that if the giant squid was there it wouldn't be able to understand Hudini Guy.)  
The firsties went in through a wooden door. I decided I would follow Hairy pretty much anywhere he went. After all, I consider myself like an uncle to him considering I saved his life from Lord Moldymort. Okay, where was I, oh yeah, a tall black haired lady named Professor McGoneagain led the firsties the rest of the way.  
McGoneagain explained to them that they should take their seats at the Great Hall and would be sorted into their houses, which were Grifondear, Hupplewuff, Ravinclad, and Slyfox. Since what she was talking about was boring I didn't pay attention to the rest of it.  
Then while I was staring at the wall ghosts started to come through. I could see them as well as the firsties. I wondered why because I was a ghost too. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy doesn't know he has the ability to turn visible.)  
Once everyone came to the great hall, the hat started singing a song. It sounded like this:  
  
"Oh, you all know you think I'm Pretty,  
Don't forget to judge on what you see,  
I'll eat myself if you find  
A dumber hat than me.  
You keep your bowling balls black,  
Your tall hats thin and tall,  
For I'm the Woggyhorts Sorting Hat  
And I can cap them all.  
There's probably nothing in your head,  
The Sorting Hat can't see,  
So try me on and I will shout  
Where you ought to be.  
You might belong to Grifondear,  
Where you might brave at heart or not,  
Their daring, idiocy, and chivalry  
Set Grifondear apart:  
You might belong to Hupplewuff,  
Where they are loyal as a canine  
Those patient Hupplewuffs are true  
And not afraid to toil;  
Or yet in smart old Ravinclad,  
If you have a young mind,  
Where those of spit and learning,  
Will always find their kind;  
Or perhaps in Slyfox  
You'll make your unloyal friends,  
Those cunning fold use and means  
To achieve their beginnings.  
So put me on! Don't be afraid!  
And don't get in a flap  
You're in safe legs (though I don't where they are)  
For I'm a Thinking cap.  
  
The hat then bowed and died. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy is so stupid he thinks that the hat died once it stopped moving.) Then McGoneagain said when she calls your name you have try the hat on.  
Hmmm... When McGoneagain called Hairy everyone acted as if he was famous. Hey! That means I'm famous. Yahooooooooo! I've never been famous again. Now I'm a celery (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy means celebrity.) Hairy got into Grifondear.  
After the Sorting an old wizard name Dummybore stood up and said, "Welcome to a new year at Woggyhorts! I would like to say a few words and they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"  
I liked this guy, he was cool. Then the food appeared. There was tons of it. Taters, roast beef, lamb, gravy, and my personal favorite CHOCOLATE! YEAHHHHHH! ((((((((((((((((((( I snuck to a corner where nobody was and stuffed myself. Then, I took a few pounds of chocolate to repair my chocolate supply.  
I went back to Hairy's table, they were talking about families. As a matter of fact I'm a pureblood. I noticed Hairy was wondering who the hook-nosed teacher was and he was Professor Snap.  
Soon everyone went to his or her dorms. The password was Caput Draconis. Everyone went to sleep. 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four  
  
The next day everyone one was whispering as if Hairy was famous, of course I already figured that out yesterday. There were many staircases and doorways; it was all so confusing even with my brilliant mapping skills.  
The ghosts would sometimes help. Peeves who has recently became my idol, is worth two locked doors and a trick staircase. I'm only worth a broken door. He would sneak up behind you and screem GOT YOUR CONK! Which has recently became a favorite game. I'm good at it.  
The caretaker, Filth, and his cat Mrs. Norman. Filth knew all the secret thingymabobber except for the Weasel twins. His cat is so kickable everyone wants to kick it.  
First was Transmogtify (Editor's Note: He means Transfiguration.) that was taught by the Grifondear head, Professor McGoneagain. They took a bunch of notes. I'm glad I'm not a student cause I never learned how to right. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy did go to school but he was kicked out for inability to learn.) At last they started trying to turn matches to needles. Only Herninny Ranger changed hers.  
Defense Against the Dark Arts was all lies. The class smelled of garlic, which only goes well with bread so that's a lot of wasted garlic. Plus, Professor Quill said he got his cape from a Romanian Prince and I know for a fact that Romania doesn't exist. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy I Repeat has no idea of what he is talking about.) On the day of Hairy's first Soup mixing class (Editor's Note: the idiot means potions) they had it with Slyfoxes. During breakfast, Hairy got a letter from Hagriddle saying to have tea, Hairy replied yes. During Soup mixing class, which I thought went quite well, Professor Snap asked Hairy a bunch of questions. Herninny Ranger raised her hand. I bet she raised her hand because she needed to go to the bathroom.  
After potions, Hairy and Ron went to Hagriddles. Hagriddle had a dog, it was named Fang. I personally dislike them. They sniff my butt and follow me as if I'm dog like. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy doesn't realize that the dogs can smell stupidity and like it.)  
While Ron was talking to Hagriddle about Chalk Weasel, his older brother, Hairy picked up the Dairy Prophet. On the front page was a dumb story about a bank break-in. But I did get the vague feeling Hairy thought it was important. A few days later, Grifondear and Slyfox were learning how to ride a broom together. I was getting the feeling Hairy didn't like that boy Dracula Mal and his two friends Crab and Gargoyle. That day a boy in Grifondear named Deville who got a Remembrall. It makes you remember things. I sure don't need one of... What was I doing again?  
Outside in the afternoon, the Woggyhorts students were going to learn how to ride a broom. The Slyfoxes were already there. Madam Hoot shouted for them to get a broom. She told everyone to say up to his or her brooms. I thought this was stupid because why would you talk to a broom. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy knows nothing, so never strike a conversation with him unless you talk about chocolate.  
Few of the brooms went up. Like this one girl named Hermyohmy's broom rolled. Never's broom just stayed there. Now the firsties were going to try flying. 3, 2, ... Never blasted off his broom. This kid sure reminded me of someone, but I can't remember whom. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy is reminded of himself.) At the end Never broke his wrist.  
After the teach left with the kid Dracula started laughing. Then Dracula found a red ball, which turned out to be Never's Remember thingy. Hairy told Dracula to give him the Remember thingy. I think Hairy was bosy because Finders Keepers, losers weepers. I would of sold the thingy Remember and bought chocolate with it.  
Dracula said he would put in a tree, I wondered how? (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy hasn't the faintest clue that Mal can use his broom.) Up in the air they flew, Hairy was okay. Hairy threatened to nock Mal off his broom. Hairy said Mal's friends Crab and Gargoyle weren't there to help him.  
"Catch if you can!" Mal screamed. Hairy saw the red ball go in slow motion. He went into a dive and caght it. Professor McGoneagain shouted at Hairy to come with her.  
They went to Charms, which was taught by Professor Flickwit. She asked if she could borrow Wood. Oh boy I love seeing people paddled besides me. (Editor's Note: During Hudini Guy's childhood he was paddled repeatedly for idiocy and misbehavior.)  
It turns out Wood was a person, Olive Woody to be exact. He was the Squidditch captain of the Grifondear team. Woody looked as if his dreams had come true. He said that Hairy would be the Sucker of the team. Hairy was going to learn Squidditch. Woody said they ought to get Hairy a good broom, one like the Nimwad 2000 or a Cleaner Seven.  
At dinner Hairy had just told Ron Weasel what had happened. It was supposed to be a secret. Hairy must really be stupid. Ron's older Twin brothers, Fried and Georgia, came over. They congratulated Hairy. They were on the team too. They were Butlers. Then Mal and his too friends came over. Dracula challenged Hairy to a wizard duel. That night, at a halfie pastie eleven, Ron and Hairy went out of the dormitory. Just as they were going to exit, out came Herninny Ranger. She gave them a tellie, I lov it when someone gets a tellie. (Interesting Fact: Did you know that Hudini Guy is the first human with an I.Q. of –192?) Outside the Fat Lady they found Never cuddled up like a...a...a...a...ahhhhhhhhhh? Back to where I think (Editor's Note: Think. Ha! Very Funny!) I was. When the for got to the trophy hall, Mal and Crab weren't there yet. Ron thought maybe they turkeyed out. Then they heard Filth comin round the corner. Hairy shouted for every one to run. When they stopped Herninny told Hairy I told ya so. Then they met up with Peeves. Peeves did what any responsible person would do. He screamed bloody murder. Hairy and the others ran for their lives. When Filth caught up to Peeves, he asked where de students. Peeves told Filth a joke and laughed. HaHAHAHAHahhAha! It was so funny. (Editor's Note: What was the joke?) Hairy and them were on the run, and Herninny did a spelling to open the locked door. Hairy then realized that they were on the forbidden coredor on the third floor. Standing there was a cutie doggie with three little heads. They all ranned and were scaredy. Hairy, Ron, Herninny, and Never went back to the Grifondear Common Room. The password was Pig Snout. I'm sleepy so Nighty Nighter. 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five  
  
Dracula Mal was surprised to see Hairy the next day. They thought that the last night was a wondeeful adventure. I wish I had a pet dog like that. But my mommy wouldn't let me after I flushed my old dog under the toilet. Back then I thought it was funny because it was spinning and spinning and spinning... (Editor's Note: What the heck is the moron's problem? Sheesh.) Well, they were talking bout what the object was. I thought it was obvious. It's obviously the Chocolate Bar of Zimbabwe. If you eat it, it will leave the taste in your mouth forever. I looked for it once, but I couldn't find it, I searched over Australia for peetie sakes. (Editor's Note: I wonder why he didn't find it?) Then during mail call, Hairy got a big package. At first I thought it was a huge chocolate bar, and was planning to steal it. To my disappointment, it was only a Nimwad 2000. Dracula saw them and Hairy and Ron tricked him. At seven, Hairy went to meet Olive Woody to teach him. He taughted Hairy all the rules. I'll tell you them in the simplest way possible that I can think of. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy can think?) There's three chasers. They tag each other when someone has a Quackle, which is a big red ball. You have to sneak the ball in to the hoop. You have to sneak the ball in the hoop. You have to sneak the ball in the hoop. There's also a dude called the Keeper. They tackle people and try to pop the ball and score on their own hoops in less than ten seconds. There are also two Butlers like the Weasel twins. They have a bat to hit people's heads and the two Booger balls. Finally there's the Seeker. At one point of the game, everyone plays hide and seek and the Seeker finds em. There's the ball called the Sitch too. It's goldidy and has wings. They breed em and they get wings at about one year old. The objective is to get the most points. Whoever gets the Sitch ends the game and gets them 15 more points! Simple. That's how you play the game. (Editor's Note: If you really want to learn how to play, read a book.) After practice, Woody was so happy. He thought Hairy was great. I don't get what's so good about Quitititi. The only time I ever played, I was the Seeker for my team. But during the game, I kept hitting trees and then at the end I was hit in the head by a Booger. I don't remember much after then. (Editor's Note: That explains a whole lot.) 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six  
  
Finally, it's Haloweener, my favorite holiday in the world. You get candy and chocolate and you eat stuff and you get chocolate and you party and you get chocolate. Did I mention that you eat chocolate? I was with Harry in Charms. Professor Flickityflick announced to the class that they would start making stuff fly. I'm so talented that I can already fly. Professor Flickityflick put the class into pairs. Just in case you don't know pairs are... one, two, three, four people. (Editor's Note: When did Hudini Guy know how to count?) Hairy got put with Sneeze Fin and Ron got put with Herninny. Everyone couldn't do it, but then Herninny had a go and made the feather fly. After class, Ron was complaining that Herninny a nightmare. That's so stupid because a nightmare is when you're asleep. Well, I think Herninny heard them, so she started crying. I think it's babyish to cry about that. The only things worth crying about is lack of chocolate or something just as important. Later on the way to the feast (Oh boy!!!!) Hairy and Ron heard Partity Pedal tell Lavender that Herninny was crying in the bathroom. Who cares? It's her problem if she misses the food and the chocolate. Who would want to miss chocolate? But Hairy and Ron forgot about this when they walked into the Great hall. There were bats everywhere, but these bats were weird. They're not like your normal average baseball bats, they were alive and stuff. Just after I only ate a dozen baked potatoes, two pumpkin pies, chicken, and a ton of chocolate, Professor Quill had to mess it all up by saying there was a troll in the dungeon. Everyone started panicking. I don't what's so bad about a troll; I mean they're friendly once you get to know em. I had a troll for a friend once. We used to always play bonk on the head. He got to club me on the head and I got to be dizzy and hurt. I had so much fun. But after the troll left I failed school for being stupid or something. I don't what the heck is wrong with that school. (Editor's Note: I wonder why?) Then Dummybore told the Perfects to lead their Houses back to the dormitory. While Hairy and everyone else was walking, I needed to go wash my hands. So I went to the nearest bathroom, the girls. (Editor's Note: Hudini Guy has this obsession with washing his hands, although his hands aren't even washable. I think his obsession has something to do with his manners and how someone forced to be hygienic. It's was probably some dentist or something.) I found Herninny crying in there. I was going to talk to her or something, but then I saw that there was a big troll coming at us. I was like stupifyed, and just staring. This dude looked exactly like my old buddy troll. It's like Woah. How the heck did he get here? I waved at him and he scratched his head and the door closed behind him. It was like magic. Just after the door closed, Hairy and Ron opened the door and rushed in. The troll walked closer to Herninny and she was screaming. I wonder why, because trolls don't hurt you unless you scream or confuse it. Ron and Hairy were fighting it and Hairy jumped on it and stuck his wand up the nose of thy troll. Then Ron did this Wingardium Leviosa spell and it took the club out of my buddie's hand. I went up to the club and held it for as long as I could, which was about 3 seconds. Then the club fell and you could hear a crack. I yelled NOOOOO! I was unable to help my friend and it had killed him. I never knew how much that moment would affect me. I mourned for several weeks before I forgot all about this. (Editor's Note: This is serious. Hudini Guy has trouble remembering what he did a few hours ago.) After this, the teachers came. Hairy, Ron, and Herninny had made such a racket that someone heard. The teachers that came were Professor Quill, Professor McGoneagain, and Professor Snap. Hairy and Ron were being given a tellie. Hahaha. Then Herninny explained that she went after the troll because she thought she could take it. Ron dropped his wand because he thought that Herninny was lying. Of course, I knew that she was telling the truth because she's a suck-up. She explained how Hairy and Ron saved her life and all the other junk. In the end, Herninny got 5 points off Grifondear and Hairy and Ron got 5 points each. Since I'm pretty good at math, I'll do the math for you. 5+5- 5. Hmmm... That gives the Grifondear a total of plus 8 points. (Editor's Note: IDIOT!) Well, they all returned to the dormitory. The password was Pig Snout. Herninny, Ron, and Hairy were friends after that, though I can't figure out why. 


End file.
